Yesterday I had a strange nightmare I was summoned for court for something I didn’t do that required the punishment of death. It was weird. The papers I received were the size of a square coaster and had Polaroid type photos of my abuser doing the thing I was being accused of caught on security video. I received the papers on a Sunday, but they said I had to go to trial tomorrow and they also had a date I was to be put to death, which was the next day. It just shook me up cos I didn’t know if it was real in the dream or my abuser found my address and was playing a prank on me. I think it all means I’m still dealing with guilt.
“Your heart is always willing to forgive. It’s the mind that always plays the blame game.”
This statement that its a “blame game” hit home for me with regard to guilt. I once talked for awhile about how at work it bothers me that everyone is quick to play the blame game and I think it accomplishes nothing but hard feelings among each other at work. It does not resolve the problem. Sure, it can get to a root cause for the problem, but that’s no help if you have no ideas for solving it. So maybe I should once again be applying a principle I use at work that I don’t use with myself. It’s not doing me any good to beat myself up for not recognizing I was in an abusive relationship and for not leaving sooner. Its not doing me any good for feeling guilt for leaving and letting down my abuser and for thinking everyone is judging me poorly for being divorced, for my marriage failing and for being in an abusive relationship in the first place.
I gave myself a quest today to acknowledge that I could not have prevented the abuse and I could not have foreseen it coming. I can think I could have all I want, but I know in my heart it is true that I couldn’t have. My brain is just having a hard time with it.