Last night I had a nightmare. I haven’t had one in awhile and thought things have been going pretty good. Then out of nowhere I am being attacked by a grimacing shaggy blonde haired man with crazy eyes, probably about 8-10 years older than me. He had some kind of large sharp knife with jagged edges, more like a saw. I was lifting my left arm to protect myself when it dug into my flesh and I let out a howl while tears were streaming down my face. I woke up and felt surprisingly calm and shrugged it off.
But, later today, I’m wondering, what was that all about? Maybe there’s things I haven’t been saying I should say. Maybe I feel like I’m not really taking care of myself as much as I can. Maybe I’m not asking for help where I need it. Maybe it was really just a reminder that I still just need to be aware that there are still some bad people out there. Yesterday I had caught the news on TV for a few minutes of this shoot out in my city. These things seem to be happening more frequently here. Once in awhile I experience some things that remind me of my relationship with my ex-husband and they still really startle me. Like watching a movie where there’s a lot of violence between a couple. Or when someone gets upset at me and I don’t really understand why. Just when I think I’m getting stronger and better, something reminds me of what it was like and then I don’t feel so invincible anymore. I want to get to the point where I can be strong enough to say “that happened to me, but that’s not going to happen to me anymore” and not feel so upset.