Posts Tagged Anger

Struggle with Disclosure and Uncertainty

One thing I have been struggling with since I am no longer in an abusive relationship and have grown significantly in decreasing my social anxiety and expressing myself is when it is appropriate to disclose something. Reading about the DISC personalities of people with high Influence scores, I can identify with this exact problem:

“By their nature, High-I’s are extremely trusting and ingenuous. Their desire to be open with other people can lead them at times to reveal information or express feelings that more staid types might prefer to keep hidden. For this reason, they are sometimes seen as lacking in tact.” –

I don’t really consider myself trusting, but maybe I am more so now. What I don’t understand is why I choose to tell people information about myself. For example, with inviting SuperBetter allies, I’ve realized I made a lot of friends uncomfortable by sharing my history of being a domestic violence victim and that I am trying to work on things I recognize as needing improvement. Some co-workers also know a bit about this history and I think they’d rather not know as well. At the same time, I feel angry at myself for sharing something personal with people as well as feeling angry at them for the way they seem to act after I tell them, not being supportive, not asking me how I am doing, not reciprocating by opening up with things that they are working on too.

Last night I had a dream that I think was dealing with this issue. I dreamt I was looking at houses with my family. I liked the first house we looked at, but for some reason, maybe cost, it was out of the question. That house had a lot of light and an open floor plan. The second house we looked at, the whole downstairs, especially kitchen was very dark. The upstairs had this gigantic attic that was really a hardware store. The backyard was strange. It was more like a courtyard mixed with golf course. The grass was very light green and almost fake looking like turf.

I think I was walking through these houses and backyard to deal with emotions and feelings I’ve been repressing for some time, including when and what I should and shouldn’t disclose to people. Earlier this week I broke down after I heard someone talking about marriage. I know a lot of people who are getting married and are having children this year. I keep having people ask me if I want to get married again and if I want children. I really haven’t been able to get to why it bothered me so much. Part of me feels like I still feel like a failure for ever getting married in the first place with such an abusive person. Part of me feels as if I will never get to be married to someone who is so loving and caring. Part of me feels like everything feels so uncertain. And for a person who loves change so much, that’s an odd feeling to have.

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Quest: Try to Get Angry and Deal With It

Awhile back I saw one of the SuperBetter Heroes on the forum who is also battling PTSD talk about anger. When I bought the workbook Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence I thought, “Why do I need a chapter on anger?” I commented on the forum, I know anger is going to be something I need to address but I’m just not there yet. I’ve really suppressed my anger. I hardly ever express anger. Frustration and being upset, but not really anger. I read the chapter and noticed the day after reading it I started to be aware of the things that actually made me “angry” or upset. So I know it’s there. I just haven’t found the right way for me to express it yet.

I know when I was a kid there was one very important event where I learned that it’s better not to bottle everything up. I learned why it’s important to deal with anger, but never really learned how to.

The chapter drove home a principal that’s always been really important to me. I always felt being angry is a waste of time. It doesn’t resolve anything and it makes you feel terrible. But, this doesn’t mean you should suppress your anger and move on. It is much better to address your anger right then and there. I don’t think this means you should explode with rage like my ex-husband would, but you should talk about it and understand why you feel that way.

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