Posts Tagged friendships

New Project: The Happiness Project

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Back in 2012, I started this blog to get better from the trauma of domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual assault using the game SuperBetter. I came pretty far and then trailed off on using the blog.

A large amount of this past year has been focused on my career and work, which I’ve come to realize is getting me no where with my own personal happiness. Since a break up in 2012 and a really close friend taking a long hiatus on a trip around the world, it has completely changed my friendships and relationships with people I have known. I spent the past year taking up a new hobby and all of my new friendships center around the people I spend time with in this new hobby. It is an incredible group. Still a lot of those friendships are surface level. And my life is not where I want it to be. I love my partner, but he is not a social person, and my need to be social has had to be met by doing things without him often and with other people. I think that is ok, but I want my life to be more like I imagined it after I went through my divorce. I want best friends I can count on to talk through the really important things, to do my hobbies with, to laugh with, to enjoy life with, to go hike, to do crazy stuff with sometimes, to have sleep-overs, to have dinners, to travel, to plan to meet our goals together. I am for sure I am getting there, but I know I can easily slip back into loneliness and spending endless nights and days doing my hobbies alone or not doing anything that excites me and being able to share it with someone.

I am a very goal-oriented person. I spend all day at work planning projects and getting projects done. So why not apply this to my very own personal goal to create meaningful friendships? I started reading Shasta Nelson’s “Friendships Don’t Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends”.

Maybe our loneliness is why so many women have a reputation for being catty, judgmental, and mean to other women. Maybe it’s because we aren’t all as connected as we need to be for our health and happiness. Maybe that disconnectedness, and the way it causes us to treat others, is spreading. Maybe because we don’t feel loved, we have a harder time giving it. Maybe we’ve forgotten that we can only receive that which we extend. Maybe more friendship would make this world a better place.”

So I don’t have a plan quite yet. And just these past few weeks, I just try to do one or two things that at least bring me closer to one person in my life and say yes to events that would help bring me closer to people. But, it’s a start. I would imagine I can continue to use SuperBetter to help support this project as I did for PTSD. And well, this is a part of PTSD. Though it is a common problem the entire world is dealing with, not just us with PTSD. So if you followed this blog before and are still following it now, enjoy this new journey.

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Relationships and Expressing My Needs

Today was one of those days where I got frustrated with people in a particular situation. Here I am already three years away from a relationship of domestic violence. They say people with PTSD have a hard time maintaining strong relationships with friends and family. I have been feeling that this past year after feeling much closer the two previous years to people than ever before. A week ago I went to lunch with someone and mentioned this and they reassured me that people’s friendships and circles change over time and that is all that is happening here. This is true. I feel closer now to my co-workers than I have in the past. I sometimes try to reach out to people in my friend circles, and get no bites. It frustrates me. It frustrates me that someone snapped at me the last time I tried to participate in something social. It frustrates me that I feel like an outsider always. Here I am finally happy in some areas of my life, with love and with work. But, feeling like my friendships are lacking significantly.

It makes me want to no longer participate in activities with these people. After the break-up last year, I made several attempts to grow new friendships. Every relationship always feels pretty fair-weather. Everyone is busy with their own shit. With their own motives. Their own thoughts. I find myself just getting tired of it. And not want to deal with any of it. I want to focus on things that make me happy. Running makes me happy. Helping other women who have experienced domestic violence, trauma, and abuse makes me feel like I am doing something that helps others and helps the world. Volunteering makes me happy – I’ve met so many great people doing that. But, often these things go no where. Maybe you bump into the same people a few times, even running around town. I network the hell out of things for work, and people often just don’t respond, but some do, some seem to actually give a shit.

I try to rarely bring up these things to people because I feel like they don’t want to deal with it. Like I made being in an abusive relationship some big deal when it’s not. Like my being socially awkward is such a drag. Well, you know what. You don’t know what it is like unless you have been in it yourself. And to take it further – none of us know what the other person we’re dealing with has been through. But, dear world, I wish you would be a lot more compassionate. Because I am tired of always feeling like I am in everybody else’s way, that I am a pain in everyone else’s ass by existing. Because I sure as hell do not act like that about you. So have some fucking compassion and get your heads out of your asses. Because life is going to pass you by and you’re going to realize you spent so much time being callus, ignorant, and in-compassionate, and you missed out on some of the most amazing opportunities of a life time.

Well, I don’t know if that really resolved anything for me. But, at least I got something off my chest.

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And I’m going to realize you don’t really care anyway. It’s just my being hypervigilant right? That guy who rushed me at the coffee shop so he could put his cream and sugar in really didn’t care if I exist, I was just a pain in his ass being in the way. The person who snapped at me a few weeks, I didn’t really think it was a big deal, and I knew they were just tired and cranky, but really why is that you have to take it out on me? So from now on, I’m just going to ignore all your bullshit world. And be happy. So before I do that. Let me just say, go fuck yourself!

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