The World Has to Change

About a month ago I was running. It was dark out. I saw this kid/young teenager acting strange on the trail. I decided to slow down and wait to see what he was up to. He turned off the trail onto a street. So I started running again. Next thing I know, he jumps over a fence at me past this building. I took off running as fast as I possibly could until I caught up to three people walking on the trail in front of me. This isn’t the first time I’ve had someone try to jump me running in my lifetime. It scared me, but I brushed it off.

Tonight I was loading groceries in my car when a man in the parking lot came up behind me. I just loading the last bag and turn and see him with a knife and he asked for money. Fight or flight. I just said, “No” real firmly and quickly got in my car and took off. I saw him return to another car in the parking lot out of the corner of my eye. Driving home, I broke down in tears. The night before I had more nightmares about someone trying to break into my home – it’s a re-occuring nightmare. I must have these kinds of nightmares and nightmares of someone trying to rape me every week. You would think by now they would stop. And then things like this happen and it reminds me why they don’t stop. The world is still an evil place and cannot be trusted. I got home in tears and my boyfriend immediately came to see what was wrong. I should have called the police. He says maybe he should go with me from now on.

I text my brother, and he says I should get a flashlight as bright as a football field to fend off attackers and “The world is full of people looking to take advantage of those who they think are weak. You were raised in one of the worst cities in the country. Next time you run into one of these assholes let them know.” Why should I have to fend off these people? Why should women have to feel afraid? Why can’t the world be a better place? I don’t want my children to have to deal with this. The world has to change. I have to help make this world a better place. This is not acceptable. I should not have to be afraid every day, every time I turn a corner, every time I come and go from my home, every time I go to sleep at night and check that my door is locked over and over, every time I walk down the street or to work, or on the bus, or anywhere. This has got to stop.

Relationships and Expressing My Needs

Today was one of those days where I got frustrated with people in a particular situation. Here I am already three years away from a relationship of domestic violence. They say people with PTSD have a hard time maintaining strong relationships with friends and family. I have been feeling that this past year after feeling much closer the two previous years to people than ever before. A week ago I went to lunch with someone and mentioned this and they reassured me that people’s friendships and circles change over time and that is all that is happening here. This is true. I feel closer now to my co-workers than I have in the past. I sometimes try to reach out to people in my friend circles, and get no bites. It frustrates me. It frustrates me that someone snapped at me the last time I tried to participate in something social. It frustrates me that I feel like an outsider always. Here I am finally happy in some areas of my life, with love and with work. But, feeling like my friendships are lacking significantly.

It makes me want to no longer participate in activities with these people. After the break-up last year, I made several attempts to grow new friendships. Every relationship always feels pretty fair-weather. Everyone is busy with their own shit. With their own motives. Their own thoughts. I find myself just getting tired of it. And not want to deal with any of it. I want to focus on things that make me happy. Running makes me happy. Helping other women who have experienced domestic violence, trauma, and abuse makes me feel like I am doing something that helps others and helps the world. Volunteering makes me happy – I’ve met so many great people doing that. But, often these things go no where. Maybe you bump into the same people a few times, even running around town. I network the hell out of things for work, and people often just don’t respond, but some do, some seem to actually give a shit.

I try to rarely bring up these things to people because I feel like they don’t want to deal with it. Like I made being in an abusive relationship some big deal when it’s not. Like my being socially awkward is such a drag. Well, you know what. You don’t know what it is like unless you have been in it yourself. And to take it further – none of us know what the other person we’re dealing with has been through. But, dear world, I wish you would be a lot more compassionate. Because I am tired of always feeling like I am in everybody else’s way, that I am a pain in everyone else’s ass by existing. Because I sure as hell do not act like that about you. So have some fucking compassion and get your heads out of your asses. Because life is going to pass you by and you’re going to realize you spent so much time being callus, ignorant, and in-compassionate, and you missed out on some of the most amazing opportunities of a life time.

Well, I don’t know if that really resolved anything for me. But, at least I got something off my chest.

And I’m going to realize you don’t really care anyway. It’s just my being hypervigilant right? That guy who rushed me at the coffee shop so he could put his cream and sugar in really didn’t care if I exist, I was just a pain in his ass being in the way. The person who snapped at me a few weeks, I didn’t really think it was a big deal, and I knew they were just tired and cranky, but really why is that you have to take it out on me? So from now on, I’m just going to ignore all your bullshit world. And be happy. So before I do that. Let me just say, go fuck yourself!

A New Nightmare or Closing a Chapter?

I’ve been going along fine for the past couple months, which is why you haven’t heard from me for awhile. Things come up, particularly being my own self-advocate. I still need to do a much better job at that. And then last night I had a terrible nightmare, one of the ones where I wake up bawling my eyes out and screaming. I was dying in my nightmare. I was hit by a truck or something and I made it to a bathroom where my head and various body parts were just leaking blood all over the place. I was in a whole hell of a lot of pain and no one was around to help me. But, for some reason, in the nightmare it was if I was back 4 years ago with my ex-husband and so I called him like when I once was injured and had to go to the hospital, to ask if he could come home and take care of me. But, I didn’t want him to be angry with me so I didn’t say how bad it was so he was just like well, I don’t need to come home, you’re fine. And then I realized I was dying with the amount of blood that was leaking out of my body and everything was growing fainter. I felt so much remorse for being alone dying with no one to help me.

I have been feeling really isolated from my friends lately. I have been feeling upset about certain situations and have not been speaking up about them. And I think that’s what this is about.

In interpreting dreams, this could be a really good thing or a bad thing. It could mean I am really getting a closure on that chapter of my life, the Mia who was abused. Or it could mean I am really struggling feeling like I could lose my self-confidence. I would like to think it is the first, but I still feel very cautious about being used and abused.

Major Breakthrough: Understanding What It Is I’m Afraid Of

I wasn’t going to write about this because it is all too personal, but it is too important to pass up. Today in therapy, I had a major breakthrough on understanding why I was so afraid of “being alone.” Yesterday I was talking to someone about all the things I have planned and the time I’ve spent with my friends and they said to me, “You’re afraid of being alone, aren’t you?” This stuck with me. I couldn’t quite agree that it was being afraid of being alone that causes me to keep so busy and to be very social. But, yes, I have been wondering for some time, why is it my whole life I always keep busy? If I am not doing something, I feel like it is a waste of time. My therapist kept asking questions to help me get at exactly what it all meant. He asked me to clarify what “waste of time” means to me. I could clearly identify, to me, it means not enjoying life and not doing something that matters to me or applies to my goals.

He asked how does it make you feel if you “waste time.” I said, “aggravated.” “Unhappy.” He asked me to think about the times when I felt the most despair and on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the most despair and 10 being the least, what it was. I could quickly identify 3 of the worst times in my life where I felt the most despair. And this should be no surprise.

1. When I realized my ex-husband was abusive, I felt like I could not do anything to get out of it, that I was fully responsible for putting myself in it, and that I had lost all of my personhood

2. When I was raped in college and I was told a) to shut up b) that I wasn’t really raped and c) to get over it by the people I cared most about in life. This too removed my own sense of self.

3. An incident with my caregiver growing up that also removed my sense of self and having needs and wants

All of these times I felt so much despair, what I categorized as a 1 (the worst) that I wanted to not be alive to just escape the pain of them.

I came to the understanding that I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of feeling so much despair that I keep busy to avoid that feeling. In these past two weeks I have found I am quite content being alone. I never get bored. I never hate being with myself. I actually love myself and have a lot of compassion for myself. But, now I fully understand what it is I’m afraid of. And thinking about it, is enough to make me cry. But, I also know I am incredible for getting through all that I have gotten through. I am a strong woman who has regained my personhood. I am me. And no one can ever take that away again. Ever.

My Scientist Hero’s SuperPowers

In playing SuperBetter you can play whatever Hero you want to be to get better. I had picked a great scientist.

But, to make it a little fun, I was lately thinking of the X-Men and Jean Grey. Kind of a scientist of some sort and for some reason she was always my favorite character in the X-Men.

I was trying to think how Jean Grey’s super powers could relate to getting better from PTSD and here’s what I came up with:

Super Power	As it relates to getting better from trauma
Telepathy	Awareness of being hypervigilant Awareness of my expectations
Telekinesis
Phoenix Force grants the ability to: Travel unaided through space	Resilience! Ask for Help React instead of avoid conflict
Psionically manipulate matter and any form of energy	Keep Positive Do my power ups on a daily basis, especially: Running, biking, or swimming Spending time with friends
Create powerful “cosmic” fire	Overcome anxiety Manage stress through muscle tension exercises and breathing Deal with nightmares
Resurrect from death and manipulate life energy in others	Practice Self-Compassion Practice influence – optimism, relate to people Spend time with friends and family
Manipulate timelines	Overcome Guilt Witness your experience Live in the Now Stop Negative Self-Talk

This was pretty fun to come up with. 🙂

Who would you be and how would you use your super powers to meet your goal?

Struggle with Disclosure and Uncertainty

One thing I have been struggling with since I am no longer in an abusive relationship and have grown significantly in decreasing my social anxiety and expressing myself is when it is appropriate to disclose something. Reading about the DISC personalities of people with high Influence scores, I can identify with this exact problem:

“By their nature, High-I’s are extremely trusting and ingenuous. Their desire to be open with other people can lead them at times to reveal information or express feelings that more staid types might prefer to keep hidden. For this reason, they are sometimes seen as lacking in tact.” – http://www.discusonline.com/udisc/i_influence.html

I don’t really consider myself trusting, but maybe I am more so now. What I don’t understand is why I choose to tell people information about myself. For example, with inviting SuperBetter allies, I’ve realized I made a lot of friends uncomfortable by sharing my history of being a domestic violence victim and that I am trying to work on things I recognize as needing improvement. Some co-workers also know a bit about this history and I think they’d rather not know as well. At the same time, I feel angry at myself for sharing something personal with people as well as feeling angry at them for the way they seem to act after I tell them, not being supportive, not asking me how I am doing, not reciprocating by opening up with things that they are working on too.

Last night I had a dream that I think was dealing with this issue. I dreamt I was looking at houses with my family. I liked the first house we looked at, but for some reason, maybe cost, it was out of the question. That house had a lot of light and an open floor plan. The second house we looked at, the whole downstairs, especially kitchen was very dark. The upstairs had this gigantic attic that was really a hardware store. The backyard was strange. It was more like a courtyard mixed with golf course. The grass was very light green and almost fake looking like turf.

I think I was walking through these houses and backyard to deal with emotions and feelings I’ve been repressing for some time, including when and what I should and shouldn’t disclose to people. Earlier this week I broke down after I heard someone talking about marriage. I know a lot of people who are getting married and are having children this year. I keep having people ask me if I want to get married again and if I want children. I really haven’t been able to get to why it bothered me so much. Part of me feels like I still feel like a failure for ever getting married in the first place with such an abusive person. Part of me feels as if I will never get to be married to someone who is so loving and caring. Part of me feels like everything feels so uncertain. And for a person who loves change so much, that’s an odd feeling to have.

Quest: Guilt & Forgiveness

I know this is another post on guilt, but I needed to continue to work through to end of this week. I asked Thomas Skinner, a US Army veteran who writes about his battle with PTSD on http://www.understandingPTSD.org, earlier this week, what things have worked for him to overcome guilt? He responded with:

“working on forgiveness, and living, thinking and talking in the present.”

I knew what he meant by living, thinking and talking in the present as I’ve worked on that a lot already in earlier Quests in SuperBetter, but I wasn’t sure what he meant by forgiveness…

Until later in therapy this week, I worked through that my guilt is very connected to the belief I built when I was a child that everyone should be forgiven no matter what. I developed this belief to help me cope with the way my caregiver treated me when I was a kid. And then when I met my ex-husband I applied it then to when he first showed signs of abuse, that he should be forgiven. “It’s ok. He’s just having a bad day and things are difficult and that’s how some people react to that.” The same idea could apply to myself. I never knew what I always did that was so bad it made my caregiver angry as a child and then again with my ex. So I needed to be forgiven for what I did that was wrong that made them so angry, which was nothing really or nothing in my control. I need to forgive myself. I need to let go and realize I can’t possibly be responsible for everyone. And I will make mistakes and it’s ok.

Quest: Understanding Guilt

This week I started the chapters on coming to terms with guilt in the workbook Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence. Other than starting the workbook, these have been the hardest chapters so far.

The chapters have you address:
1) Guilt about leaving your abuser (e.g. Failed marriage, leaving someone who is dependent on you, etc.)

2) Guilt about why you were in the relationship in the first place and what was the first sign that you should have left (first signs that he would be abusive)

3) To think about a time where you think you should have left but didn’t and reasons why you didn’t leave at that time and to evaluate whether those reasons were good enough to warrant staying

4) To think about if you did leave then, what would have happened?

I think if I filled out these questionnaires a year ago my answers would have been very different and exhibited a lot more guilt. So I have come a long way but it was still very hard to think of all the emotions that went into those times and decision making.

I had very clear, cut and dry answers to these questions.

1) Guilt about leaving your abuser (e.g. Failed marriage, leaving someone who is dependent on you, etc.)

I knew the reasons I felt guilty about leaving, but I also knew they are irrational now. There were several more than these but here are some examples.

Reason: Failed marriage and breaking my obligation to it
Why It’s Irrational: It is much more important to be safe and healthy, mentally and physically.

Reason: He depended heavily on me emotionally and financially.
Why It’s Irrational: He is resourceful and is plenty capable of taking care of himself. I need to worry about my needs, safety and well being.

Reason: People will judge me poorly
Why It’s Irrational: I know plenty of people now who have gone through divorce and they feel this way, that people will judge them for being divorced, for their marriage failing or even for ever being in the marriage in the first place. First of all, this is also you judging yourself this way because those thoughts do cross your mind when you think of others who are divorced. Second of all, it really doesn’t matter what other people think. You need to be happy, healthy, and safe. The people who are going to judge you poorly, you don’t need them in your life anyway. The people who really care about you are going to understand and love you no matter what.

2) Guilt about why you were in the relationship in the first place and what was the first sign that you should have left (first signs that he would be abusive)

I remembered clearly the first event that should have clued me in that he was abusive and I should have left then. It was very early on in our relationship. I don’t know why it didn’t shake me up more and why I didn’t say anything to anybody to ask whether it was acceptable or not. From therapy I learned this was most likely because it was behavior I was used to from growing up and I didn’t know any better. But, things got much worse from there on and yet I still stayed and thought it was acceptable. Now I know it is not and anytime I find some behavior questionable in a relationship, I should talk to someone about it, with a family member or close friend.

3) To think about a time where you think you should have left but didn’t and reasons why you didn’t leave at that time and to evaluate whether those reasons were good enough to warrant staying

I remembered a point in time where I was so close to leaving to stay at a hotel or friend’s place, but I gave in to his pleas and went back in the house. The workbook has you identify two main reasons you didn’t leave at that time. Mine were:

A) I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone because they would judge me and him poorly so I couldn’t deal with being alone in a hotel or calling a friend and having to tell them what was going on to get out of there for a night
B) I had work obligations the next day and felt like I couldn’t just drop them or call in sick

Thinking back on these reasons, these were pretty weak. I also did end up leaving about 9 months later. I did call a domestic violence hotline, my family and a friend. These people did not judge me poorly and work was understanding.

4) To think about if you did leave then, what would have happened?

I thought if I did leave then I would have gone back with the stipulation that he needed to get help with his behavior. I think this would have made things much worse and I could have ended up dead.

But, like I said, I did leave 9 months later and with great advice, I am very much so alive, safe, happy, on the way to recovery, and looking forward to my future.

When SuperBetter posted about Post Traumatic Growth, the idea Post Traumatic Growth is no joke. I can certainly say, unlike many others around me, I have a new view on life. Everything in life is an opportunity and every opportunity is amazing. I wish everyone could feel like this. This past year and a half has been the most amazing time of my life and I am really looking forward to getting better, stronger, and fulfilling my goals. So there you have it. You can get over your guilt and move on with certainty and courage.

Quest: Try to Get Angry and Deal With It

Awhile back I saw one of the SuperBetter Heroes on the forum who is also battling PTSD talk about anger. When I bought the workbook Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence I thought, “Why do I need a chapter on anger?” I commented on the forum, I know anger is going to be something I need to address but I’m just not there yet. I’ve really suppressed my anger. I hardly ever express anger. Frustration and being upset, but not really anger. I read the chapter and noticed the day after reading it I started to be aware of the things that actually made me “angry” or upset. So I know it’s there. I just haven’t found the right way for me to express it yet.

I know when I was a kid there was one very important event where I learned that it’s better not to bottle everything up. I learned why it’s important to deal with anger, but never really learned how to.

The chapter drove home a principal that’s always been really important to me. I always felt being angry is a waste of time. It doesn’t resolve anything and it makes you feel terrible. But, this doesn’t mean you should suppress your anger and move on. It is much better to address your anger right then and there. I don’t think this means you should explode with rage like my ex-husband would, but you should talk about it and understand why you feel that way.